Merry Christmas Mum

Friday, December 24th 2010

This one goes out for you mum,

Since you like me to write, I thought I'm gonna make a blog post (that's what you are reading right now!) reminiscing of the past half year. I get sad, no matter what thinking of the past 6 months, thinking of today I get even sadder, but you know what makes me happy?
Thinking of all the great times we've spent together with her, thinking of all the secrets of life she told us, thinking of the experiences we had to cope with thanks to her illness, and thinking of how much all of that got us closer to each other. When I was younger I was embarassed because you had the loudest and squeekiest laugh, now hearing you laugh fills me with love, love to you, pride of our relationship and honor to be part of the family, this 2 amazing people have created.
Who actually believes that they will find a guy who's right for them and be together forever like you 2?
I do!
Because I have the 2 of you standing there in front of me each and every day, laughing,crying,fighting, annoying, making fun of each other; watching TV, listening to the radio, telling stories, cooking, sleeping, doing all the normal things in life, but with the big difference to everybody else: You do it together!
Giving all that has happened I think we've done pretty well, we've actually done amazing!
So having the thought of this Christmas cruising around in my mind, making lap after lap after lap, I cannot but think of the last time I've talked to her, her heavy breaths, and when her eyes slowly opened for the first time that day, and the things she said. I don't think I've ever experienced anything that clear and honest and intense, so I wish you a great christmas in a non-sarcastic way, because looking at how all this got us together in a pack, being more honest to everything in life, it might not have been such a bad thing after all.
Sleep in heavenly peace Grannie.
And for you mum, I love you and I will leave you with the words that gave my life all the sense it was missing.

Nicht weinen.
SO schön.
Ich hab dich SO lieb.

DU bist SO schön.

Silent Night

Silent Night

Sometimes life comes different than you've expected, relationships break, beloved people pass away, old habits stop and friendships wander into different directions..

The you who was running outside to check and feel for yourself, when the first snowflake touches the ground; the person who already sang christmas songs and thinks about the outfit she was gonna were on christmas eve in the midst of october, that person is not there anymore, and it just doesn't feel right to pretend it is...

Eventhough life got a little less complicated with quitting to drink as much, and trying to NOT feel for a change, it's still weird and unexpectedly real.

So i guess this christmas might come different, i guess something will miss.....SOMEONE will miss, like a box wrapped up in gift paper with nothing inside and the thought in the back of your head, that it will never be full again...

I'm trying to think positive, i'm trying to change my life, but change is not that easy and trying neither.

The good thing is, since now that it's all strange and edgeless unknown territory to me, I appreciate little things more than ever, every single smile or smirk or grin fills my heart with light, every single one, and i am myself more than i've ever been, it's not important to me to be liked by everyone anymore, it's just me and myself, and to be honest, that works out better than i thought.