Ready - Steady - hold on I gotta tie my shoes.

What if time flies by and you feel like everything changes around you but somehow, you're still the young pathetic little fuck you were 5,10 or 20 years ago?

You still wait for this special someone, who whips you off the ground and turns your whole entire world upside down. The one who makes you stop thinking about the guy that somehow managed to break your heart without being an asshole. Yep, it's over for a while and you're glad for the both of you that it is, but it sucks being reminded of battle wounds, every time you see the dude. So you're still waiting for the one guy and the happy ending you and your friends were always talking about. The one you expect to magically appear every time you enter a cafe, a bookshop, a club or even H&M. (Who knows, maybe the cashier guy's just the perfect guy for you and only works there so he can make some extra money while volunteering for orphans, ruling the stockmarket, curing cancer and studying astronomy and literature on the side.) (Really. Who knows? Don't judge me.)

You are still looking for the perfect job, that makes it feel like you don't actually work, but rather be able to do your hobby and follow your dreams everyday. Because in the end, you're definitely going to be successfull, fulfilled, rich and happy, once you work really hard for what you want.
Or isn't it that easy after all?
Is the life inbetween (the stuff that smooths your screws and rotates your thoughts) just something that messes everything up, everytime you feel like resting your legs on the table? Or is it just an excuse, you use everytime you feel like crap? The classic excuse that the whole world is against you right now, or that you are just not as lucky as other ones?

The first step in solving a problem is acknowledging that there is one.

Such. A. Smart. Sentence.

Unfortunately, there's a shitload of stuff to do once the problem appears before you.
All that reflecting, ojectivating and analyzing might cause major buzz in your head.
It's a lot more work to do than people tell you about. Of course everyone has their own issues, but sometimes it would be pure bliss, if all those people just ignored their issues for a day and helped you figure out your life. It's not that much to ask for I think. Is it?


But then I realize not only everything around me has changed, but I'm totally different too. I'm pretty much the same me from 5 years ago, just more realistic, sarcastic, negative and reasonable.
Most of my days without obeying any rules, and ignoring any consequences are over. The ease in speaking my mind is gone. Instead, there is a list of questions and things I'd really really love to say or ask, waiting for the right moment until it's too late or I forget them.
That all sounds pretty depressing and negative, but it's really not. It's just part of growing up and as I stroll along my path, I sometimes feel as if I'm glancing in from a window. Just like as if I was sitting in a cafe having a great dinner with someone and looking really happy, and the real me is walking by, pausing and peeking in from outside. Like: "WOW! Who is that girl? I wish I looked that happy." And then I metaphorically slap myself in the face, because that's me all along.

Now listen honey, how can you fix yourself just like that?
You don't. Not at all. That's the answer. Sorry.
You don't need to be fixed. Not by others, not even by yourself. In the end, all you've got to do is to enjoy the ride. Every weird thought, every time you feel like standing still and every moment that life seems just too crazy to be true. Just chill and be the crazy, loud, sweet and caring chubby little bastard you are. You can rock this shit.
Rephrase: You rock the shit out of this shit. PERIOD.

PS: My hair looks awesome right now. Felt like writing that down.
(You should see it. It literally sparkles!)

Everything's connected.

Alright, so maybe I should start by the things that have circled around in my mind for the last couple weeks. (After not writing anything for the past couple months/years) I'm done with my studies and got a job at a pretty pretty nice agency after all. After looking for a job for SO long (which was a nerve wrecking and quite disturbing undergoing) I finally got one that I really wanted, and I -believe it or not- turned out to be pretty okay in it. What I find the most amazing thing EVER is, that -as always- everything is connected in my life.

I work together with my first tutor from university and at our PR agency works another tutor of mine from university (at which agency I applied as well). But most of all, it is astonishing that really EVERYTHING happens for a reason. To be clearer: I got an interview at a pretty cool social media agency, through a friend of mine who works there. It was a great job interview, the chief was extremely nice and I thought I'm in. For some reason, he told me about the company that I work for today. So after the interview, I got home, turned on the computer, googled "my" company and applied. After that I went on my bachelor's trip to London and Scotland with my lovely boyfriend. 3 weeks later, on the day i returned I called the agency where I had the interview at and was extremely sad to hear that they turned me down. I went out for lunch with my sister and my mum, they fed me wine and meat and told me, as optimistic and visionary as my family always is, that everything will turn out just the way it is supposed to.
So, when we returned home from lunch, I turned on the computer again and saw an e-mail from the company I'm currently working for. They asked me for an interview and pulled me out of the hole of misery I buried myself in.

What shall I tell you, the interview went marvellous and the job shadowing day as well. So here I am, actually working for the company that was apparently in store for me all this time. :)

Besides that everything else runs smoothly for once as well. In 2 weeks I'll celebrate my two-year-anniversary with my gorgeous boyfriend, who actually surprised me with flowers yesterday at the train station on my way home. He is getting cuter day by day. Really, I had never thought we'd last so long, but we did, and it feels absolutely beautiful. Additionally, I'm looking for a flat and I'm pretty confident that - as always- the best is yet to come and already sitting there patiently waiting for me to find it.

To sum it up: I think, when you really look into yourself, you can really feel the world turning, with the only difference, that it turns just for you. Maybe the greatest thing you would've ever imagined will be lying beneath your feet by tomorrow and maybe you just have to be a little more patient. But at some time, the best will come for everyone, you just have to be open for it.

Just like the job came to me, my sweet love unfolded himself from friend to lover to boyfriend to love and as my flat is clearing out on some place in Vienna. As the B&B couple on the Isle of Skye told us this summer: EVERYTHING'S CONNECTED.

Little Girls in Big Shoes

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

This is the perfect thing to hear at a perfect time of life. I'm 20 years now, I'm studying-funnily- something I've wished for when I was 9 years old, and forgot about when I was 12. For the past 4 years I somehow felt like Carrie Bradshaw herself. I had the friends, I had the clothes, I had the make-up, the knowledge about fashion and last but not least I had the men. The many, different, lovely, gorgeous, not so gorgeous, funny, nice and interesting men. Every single one of them made me to what I am today. I needed those experiences to find what I was looking for for so long, but what was in front of me all this time. Something so familiar something I haven't considered all along, that it seems even weird for me ending up with it. So here I am, done with watching SATC all over again, looking at my life from the Carrie perspective. No matter how young I am, I feel like I need to fight for what I really want. I always had the feeling I had to do so. To fight. Love never came easy, it never just fulfilled itself before my eyes and let me just lean back and watch it blossom. So I fought year after year after year to finally surrender to someone so beautiful, gorgeous, funny, lovely, sexy and sweet. Someone who fills every box in my checklist for men.


So this is basically what it comes down to. Me and someone else and now, that I'm quiet and not sobbing over lovestories anymore I can suit up, grow some balls and fight for something else for once. For the life I've always imagined I would eventually have. This is me fighting for a career, for a job, for journeys, for being myself and for letting everyone know, that it's fine being who you are. Because in the end the only single thing everyone was born to do is being yourself.

open my eyes

Every minute from this minute now, I'm sitting waiting wishing, for you to finally come along..

...I've spent so many nights, discussing, dreaming, reminiscing and thinking about the male people in my life. The lovers, the ex-boyfriends, the friends, the guys i never got to be with, the guys that i never wanted and the guys i was too afraid to mess things up with then to admit my love. But most nights, me and my friends got to the same exact point; the dream, the perfect picture. We always got to the point where it was about you- the one which would eventually come along...

So we were talking about the looks, the things you own, your car, your job, your major in university, your age, your family and all of your characteristics, and we've all usually ended up being tipsy, dreamy and a little bit sad and frustrated thinking about why we are still the ones who are alone. The ones with lots of stories to tell, stories of last weekend's guy, or yesterday's, but all we really want is a complete end to those stories, to finally start a new blank page in our book of love, that starts a little cheesy and gay, but fills us with happiness by chance.

So instead of thinking and discussing you - future lover/friend/man/whatever- I decided to be still, having fun, living life, spend time with things and people I adore, be patient, because someday, somewhen, you will eventually come around... and this i know.

Merry Christmas Mum

Friday, December 24th 2010

This one goes out for you mum,

Since you like me to write, I thought I'm gonna make a blog post (that's what you are reading right now!) reminiscing of the past half year. I get sad, no matter what thinking of the past 6 months, thinking of today I get even sadder, but you know what makes me happy?
Thinking of all the great times we've spent together with her, thinking of all the secrets of life she told us, thinking of the experiences we had to cope with thanks to her illness, and thinking of how much all of that got us closer to each other. When I was younger I was embarassed because you had the loudest and squeekiest laugh, now hearing you laugh fills me with love, love to you, pride of our relationship and honor to be part of the family, this 2 amazing people have created.
Who actually believes that they will find a guy who's right for them and be together forever like you 2?
I do!
Because I have the 2 of you standing there in front of me each and every day, laughing,crying,fighting, annoying, making fun of each other; watching TV, listening to the radio, telling stories, cooking, sleeping, doing all the normal things in life, but with the big difference to everybody else: You do it together!
Giving all that has happened I think we've done pretty well, we've actually done amazing!
So having the thought of this Christmas cruising around in my mind, making lap after lap after lap, I cannot but think of the last time I've talked to her, her heavy breaths, and when her eyes slowly opened for the first time that day, and the things she said. I don't think I've ever experienced anything that clear and honest and intense, so I wish you a great christmas in a non-sarcastic way, because looking at how all this got us together in a pack, being more honest to everything in life, it might not have been such a bad thing after all.
Sleep in heavenly peace Grannie.
And for you mum, I love you and I will leave you with the words that gave my life all the sense it was missing.

Nicht weinen.
SO schön.
Ich hab dich SO lieb.

DU bist SO schön.

Silent Night

Silent Night

Sometimes life comes different than you've expected, relationships break, beloved people pass away, old habits stop and friendships wander into different directions..

The you who was running outside to check and feel for yourself, when the first snowflake touches the ground; the person who already sang christmas songs and thinks about the outfit she was gonna were on christmas eve in the midst of october, that person is not there anymore, and it just doesn't feel right to pretend it is...

Eventhough life got a little less complicated with quitting to drink as much, and trying to NOT feel for a change, it's still weird and unexpectedly real.

So i guess this christmas might come different, i guess something will miss.....SOMEONE will miss, like a box wrapped up in gift paper with nothing inside and the thought in the back of your head, that it will never be full again...

I'm trying to think positive, i'm trying to change my life, but change is not that easy and trying neither.

The good thing is, since now that it's all strange and edgeless unknown territory to me, I appreciate little things more than ever, every single smile or smirk or grin fills my heart with light, every single one, and i am myself more than i've ever been, it's not important to me to be liked by everyone anymore, it's just me and myself, and to be honest, that works out better than i thought.

someday, sometime...

First is a shy look,a smile on your face,

your heart exploding, but first sights do no race,

a gentle one, no overflowing laugh but one that could make me feel like flying above,

clouds and buildings and oceans and trains

one that makes you feel every single drop on your skin, once it heavily rains,

words chosen wisely and lovely as well

looking at him, immediately under a spell

something that was waiting in me for so long

makes everything good that was bad and right what was wrong

so i'm sitting here, waiting patiently for you to find me

between the mauntains and valleys and the deep deep blue sea,

someday i know for sure you'll be there

and until then i simply have to care

for myself and my life better than ever before

because i know, the first one has to be myself i've got to adore

without loving yourself, life is at stake

you will step in wrong shoes and make lots of mistakes

when you are simply in love with yourself

you will be sitting in a café on a sunday at twelve

sipping hot coffee and eating a cake

when sense is all that your life suddenly makes

soundly,happy and full of joy

you look in his eyes and suddenly feel more than good and a little bit coy.