Merry Christmas Mum

Friday, December 24th 2010

This one goes out for you mum,

Since you like me to write, I thought I'm gonna make a blog post (that's what you are reading right now!) reminiscing of the past half year. I get sad, no matter what thinking of the past 6 months, thinking of today I get even sadder, but you know what makes me happy?
Thinking of all the great times we've spent together with her, thinking of all the secrets of life she told us, thinking of the experiences we had to cope with thanks to her illness, and thinking of how much all of that got us closer to each other. When I was younger I was embarassed because you had the loudest and squeekiest laugh, now hearing you laugh fills me with love, love to you, pride of our relationship and honor to be part of the family, this 2 amazing people have created.
Who actually believes that they will find a guy who's right for them and be together forever like you 2?
I do!
Because I have the 2 of you standing there in front of me each and every day, laughing,crying,fighting, annoying, making fun of each other; watching TV, listening to the radio, telling stories, cooking, sleeping, doing all the normal things in life, but with the big difference to everybody else: You do it together!
Giving all that has happened I think we've done pretty well, we've actually done amazing!
So having the thought of this Christmas cruising around in my mind, making lap after lap after lap, I cannot but think of the last time I've talked to her, her heavy breaths, and when her eyes slowly opened for the first time that day, and the things she said. I don't think I've ever experienced anything that clear and honest and intense, so I wish you a great christmas in a non-sarcastic way, because looking at how all this got us together in a pack, being more honest to everything in life, it might not have been such a bad thing after all.
Sleep in heavenly peace Grannie.
And for you mum, I love you and I will leave you with the words that gave my life all the sense it was missing.

Nicht weinen.
SO schön.
Ich hab dich SO lieb.

DU bist SO schön.

Silent Night

Silent Night

Sometimes life comes different than you've expected, relationships break, beloved people pass away, old habits stop and friendships wander into different directions..

The you who was running outside to check and feel for yourself, when the first snowflake touches the ground; the person who already sang christmas songs and thinks about the outfit she was gonna were on christmas eve in the midst of october, that person is not there anymore, and it just doesn't feel right to pretend it is...

Eventhough life got a little less complicated with quitting to drink as much, and trying to NOT feel for a change, it's still weird and unexpectedly real.

So i guess this christmas might come different, i guess something will miss.....SOMEONE will miss, like a box wrapped up in gift paper with nothing inside and the thought in the back of your head, that it will never be full again...

I'm trying to think positive, i'm trying to change my life, but change is not that easy and trying neither.

The good thing is, since now that it's all strange and edgeless unknown territory to me, I appreciate little things more than ever, every single smile or smirk or grin fills my heart with light, every single one, and i am myself more than i've ever been, it's not important to me to be liked by everyone anymore, it's just me and myself, and to be honest, that works out better than i thought.

someday, sometime...

First is a shy look,a smile on your face,

your heart exploding, but first sights do no race,

a gentle one, no overflowing laugh but one that could make me feel like flying above,

clouds and buildings and oceans and trains

one that makes you feel every single drop on your skin, once it heavily rains,

words chosen wisely and lovely as well

looking at him, immediately under a spell

something that was waiting in me for so long

makes everything good that was bad and right what was wrong

so i'm sitting here, waiting patiently for you to find me

between the mauntains and valleys and the deep deep blue sea,

someday i know for sure you'll be there

and until then i simply have to care

for myself and my life better than ever before

because i know, the first one has to be myself i've got to adore

without loving yourself, life is at stake

you will step in wrong shoes and make lots of mistakes

when you are simply in love with yourself

you will be sitting in a café on a sunday at twelve

sipping hot coffee and eating a cake

when sense is all that your life suddenly makes

soundly,happy and full of joy

you look in his eyes and suddenly feel more than good and a little bit coy.

one way road

sometimes life seems like a one-way road, as if everything we do or think goes one special way...
...last week my grannie died, she was a remarkable woman, full of love and laughter and lots of good advices, like which guys are good for me (the older ones only) or how to stir selfmade mashed potatoes the right way, or even if its just how to make my bed...
she always knew better and really, for all the love she gave me, for all the stories she told me about when she was young like when she stole flour from a broken down war train, or when a russian soldier wanted to dance with her, or when her dad gave her a pretty dress, or when she met my grandpa-who wore a huge filt hat in the middle of the summer, only to impress her, or how he was jealous all the time and didnt want her to talk to any man at all, for all the love one could get, she always gave the most and she really usually did know better....
so i know her somehow since she was little, because i listened to her stories everysingle day of my life struck by all the horrifying experiences she had and once again amazed by hear ease to tell those stories, she never ever said anything in a sad or angry tone-it was always a little smirk on her face and a little bit of light in her eyes due to her adventures..
i am so thankful that this amazing woman was there for me, lived in my house, tought me to cook, and to greet everyone, and also taught me to have a will to live, stronger than anything and not to take oneself too serious....
...i miss her but even though it seems like a one way-someone beloved passing by- it just gives you lots of knew directions, inspirations and ideas of future adventures that are yet to be conquered by you, with my little grannie as the wind beneath my wings

her rich attire keeps rustling to her knees

"Deep down in the wood,

where the sun changes moods,

where bugs creep down necks,

entering worlds through spider-webs,

where everything counts,

every detail amounts,

to a puzzle of such grace,

each piece in its place,

where breath and air,

are not to dispair,

where lashes and lips,

linger on hips,

sensuality strangles your prey,

by night as much as by day,

let your guards fall down,

let yourself drown,

blood rushing so fast,

stop feeling aghast

leave from where you are

this place so very far."